Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
This is a bit of a long story, so bear with me. I married my high school sweetheart (Tom) at 19. I was attracted to him because of his fancy car and the stylish way he dressed. At 20, I had a newborn son (Jake), and soon realized that fancy cars and clothes—what my husband spent most of his money on—do not put food on the table. At 25, I filed for divorce and started my life as basically a single mom. If it wasn’t for court-ordered garnishment of his wages, I probably would have had problems collecting child support, because Tom continued to spend every dime he had. I made a budget and over the years I was able to buy a house, have a decent rainy day/emergency fund, and live a nice but not exciting life with my son. Jake always enjoyed spending time with his dad, as they did “fun” things that I was unwilling to spend money on. I paid for half of Jake’s first car, put him through community college, and thought I was teaching him how to be fiscally responsible by example.
Once Jake was out on his own, he moved about 12 hours away, as he had an opportunity with his employer to help get a new facility set up and running. He met Jess and soon they were married and having kids. Several years ago, they moved back to the area after deciding this was a better and safer place to raise kids. Sadly, Jake has inherited his father’s spending habits. He bought three newer vehicles and a house which, in my opinion, was more than he and Jess could afford. They always seemed to be buying the latest and greatest things. I had numerous discussions with Jake about his spending habits and the need to save money. It got to a point where I was told that discussions about money with him and Jess were off-limits; he had the income to make ends meet, and there was no need to discuss it further. I think he believed he could afford this “high living” because he was working a bunch of overtime.
Last year, I sold my small business and retired at 58. With my nest egg and careful spending, I can cover my insurance and other expenses until I reach actual retirement age. Around the same time, my son’s employer lost a major customer and now he is down to 40-hour weeks, if that. Several weeks ago, Jake and Jess came over and said they were on track to lose the house, had to sell his sports car, and were maxed out on their credit cards. They asked me to help them get caught up by making their house payments. I told them I would see if I could afford to offer them a no-interest loan, with 0 payments due for 36 months so they could get their financial mess straightened out. They said they didn’t want a loan, they wanted the money gifted to them. I said no and that I would help out in any way I could, but I needed to protect my own financial interests and didn’t have that kind of money to give away. They said I had retired early and was “rich,” so I should be able to afford to give them the money. I told them to ask Jake’s dad, but Jake said he already had and of course his dad has no money to give them.
I frequent the small café in town and recently noticed a “now hiring” sign there. I asked the owner if a 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. shift was available, and he said, “You’re hired.” I told him it wasn’t for me but maybe for my daughter-in-law. I let Jake and Jess know that she could get a part-time job at the café during the day, and I would watch the youngest (the other two kids are in school). Jess said that wouldn’t work because she’s a stay-at-home mom, and that is her only job. I let loose about how I was a single mom for many years and had no choice except to work, and maybe because of their financial situation she should rethink her job title. They asked me to leave.
A few days later, my son stopped by and said that Jess is moving back with the kids to her hometown. He had made a promise to her that if she moved away from her family she would not have to work. I told him that I hated to say “I told you so,” but he and Jess were solely responsible for their finances and it is up to them to figure it out. I said that I’d offered to help in ways that I could, and that him promising her she wouldn’t have to work might have been a nice thing to say but wasn’t going to work with their lifestyle. My son told me I was putting money ahead of family and would be lucky if I see him, Jess, or the grandkids again. Do you think I am putting money ahead of family? If I did give them the money and things got tight I could go back to work, but I find that odd, since I would be working so that Jess could stay home.
—Family vs. Money
Dear Family vs. Money,
You don’t have to reproach yourself over withholding the money. I wouldn’t phrase it as putting money ahead of family—you’re trying to look out for yourself and make sure your own needs are met, something you had to learn to do in part because you couldn’t rely on your ex-husband. You’re correct that Jake and Jess’s family and finances are their responsibility. You can decide to help as much as you’re able, but you’re under no obligation to fix this situation for them—particularly if it means sacrificing your own financial stability, or going back to work so that your daughter-in-law can stay home. You’re also right that having one parent stay home full-time and forgo an income is a luxury they probably can’t afford right now.
I do get why they would appeal to you for help, especially if they believe you’re well-off. But I don’t agree with their apparent sense of entitlement when it comes to your money, and I don’t think you owe them anything. It’s not right of your son to threaten to cut you off just because you wouldn’t give him and his wife a huge no-strings-attached monetary gift. If they are now living apart or their marriage is strained over this, it’s sad for all involved, especially the kids, but it’s not your fault. That said, I don’t know that being technically right will be any sort of comfort to you should there be some lasting family rift. If that happens, it’s going to hurt, even if you tell yourself that you did nothing wrong.
I see only one place where you might want to think about how you behaved. Going from your letter, it could be worth considering exactly what you’ve said and how you’ve communicated about all of this with your son and daughter-in-law. If you haven’t always been as sensitive or supportive as you could be, well, that’s understandable—you are human—but it is also human for them to react a certain way if they feel judged. Hearing “I told you so” when you’re discouraged and embarrassed can legitimately hurt, even if the other person is correct. I can also picture Jake and Jess responding badly, for example, after you “let loose” on them regarding work and the job at the diner.
That doesn’t mean that your opinions are wrong—someone can be right about something, and still express it in a way that makes another person feel terrible, or get mad, or just shut down completely. I’d go further and say that this is especially common between parents and children, in part because the people we’re closest to know exactly how to grate on our nerves and push all our buttons. My mother was full of advice for me that I didn’t always want to hear, even when I knew she was right. I can see how you’d find Jake and Jess’s situation both incomprehensible and frustrating, given what you went through and your many years of single parenting. And their choices are their responsibility; the consequences theirs to sort out—but if those choices and consequences drive you clear up the wall or kind of trigger you, that part isn’t on them. They aren’t spending beyond their means (or in Jess’s case, forgoing employment) in order to thumb their noses at you and your hard-won experience. If you want to let loose about how wrong you think they are sometimes, and how you’d never make the mistakes they’re making, fine—but if you want to salvage your relationship, save those rants for others, not them.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
What do you say to a grandparent who just isn’t interested in being part of your child’s life? My retired mom says she’s interested in developing a relationship with my 7-year-old son and will gladly engage with him when they’re together, even watching him when we’ve gone out of town for a couple of days. My son loves spending time with her. But she lives several states away and hasn’t seen him in a year. In that time, they’ve had one FaceTime call that I set up, and she’s gone to see her sister’s grandchildren twice and sees my local-to-her sister’s kids on an almost weekly basis. I’ve invited her to visit us many times and offered to pay for the airfare (for a variety of reasons, it’s difficult for me to go to her), and asked her if she wants to have more regular phone calls. She says she’s interested and then just never follows up.
About a month ago, I told her I was upset about not feeling like a priority—we wouldn’t talk if I didn’t call her. She said all the right things and that she’d figure out her schedule for a visit, but then nothing. On our last call, I told her some story about my son, and she said, “Oh, I just can’t wait to see him!” I almost lost it! Waiting for what? All she’s done is wait! Do I try again? Accept that she just isn’t interested and has been unwilling to say it? (She’s not a direct communicator.) Just decide that this is all too much heartache? Even if I manage to get her to visit or make regular calls, am I going to feel good about it, or will I feel like I guilted her to come?
—If She Wanted To, She Would
Dear If She Wanted To,
If your mother really “just isn’t interested” in your child, that’s obviously sad for all of you. I don’t think you can compel someone to be an active grandparent if they truly have no desire to be. That said, there are reasons for infrequent visits or calls that don’t necessarily prove a total lack of interest? Planning and execution is legitimately hard and/or anxiety-producing for some people, and living several states away from family often means fewer visits even when everything is fine. It’s generous of you to offer to pay for your mother’s travel, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she will want or feel able to make multiple long trips a year. You find it difficult to fly to see her, which is fair—she may also have her reasons for not wanting to travel frequently, even if you aren’t privy to all of them.
It would be great if she would call you more often, since you have specifically asked her to. But for whatever reason (maybe they assume we’re always busy; maybe they don’t want to interrupt family time or annoy us?), many parents seem to wait for their adult children to call them. In any case—whether your mother is genuinely disinterested in a relationship, terrible at planning, phone- and travel-averse, or motivated by something else entirely—you’re entitled to your feelings about it. And even if nothing changes, I think it’s good that you were able to tell her how you were feeling and share your desire for things to change. If she has some reason, or something else she needs to share with you, I hope she can find a way to be similarly honest.
I really can’t answer your question about how you’ll feel if your reminders do lead her to schedule a visit (though I do think you should try not to make things harder for yourself by focusing on guilt as the only possible motivation she could have). I’m also not going to tell you to give up on your mother if you don’t want to; that is your decision to make. But in case you need a reminder, I’ll say that you’re under no obligation to keep putting in the same level of effort, particularly if you feel all the effort is on your side and it’s taking too great an emotional toll on you. Whatever her reasons for not being what you want or need at the moment, you do not have to keep exhausting or stressing yourself out by chasing her and then being disappointed. You can decide to stop, for a little while or for longer—that doesn’t mean you’re cutting her off, it just means you’re not always going to be the one pushing. The fact of that matter is that, at some point, your mother does have to act, schedule, call, etc. if she wants to know your son.
Whatever happens, it might help you if you were able to be a bit less invested in the question of what your mother does or doesn’t do—not ignoring your feelings, but rather acknowledging them and finding a way to hold them, without constantly tormenting yourself over “why” or wishing your mother would change. You’ll never be able to control her choices, so do what you need to do and try to protect your own peace.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I have a wonderful 3-year-old. Monday to Saturday, we vibe really well as co-parents. Last Sunday, I asked my partner to watch our 3-year-old, which for him meant putting on one of those dreadful Despicable Me movies while he slept on the couch. How do I get over being annoyed that I think Sundays are for “quality time,” which usually has me busting my ass to make a beach/family/arts and crafts day happen? I know TV time and doing nothing has its value too, but it is driving me up the wall.
My partner is extremely (emotionally) tired with new and legacy stresses at work, but even if he wasn’t, this has been his approach with his older kids. I can’t separate my feelings about TV from the fact that he just doesn’t have much energy left on Sundays for me or the 3-year-old. Saturdays are for sports, friends, and his personal time. He’s totally exhausted for our time/family time. Last Saturday, I had planned for us to go out for a special dinner. His work had been really heavy during the week. He blew off steam on Friday night with friends, did whatever he did during the day on Saturday, and by the time we sat down for dinner, he was half asleep. I’m not even sure he was awake enough to recognize how unpleasant it was for me. I haven’t spoken to him about this because being hard on him in the middle of his hard time seems unfair, but I was pissed that he hadn’t managed himself or his time in order to be “present” for our dinner. As I see it, he schedules himself like he has the energy he did in his 20s.
Any ideas for what I can do that is neither a) taking on the mental weight of making the weekends what I want, or b) just letting go and accepting that Sundays will be filled with TV, things I don’t want our child to eat, and subsequent difficult bedtimes?
—Downtime Doubts
Dear Downtime Doubts,
Yes, option c) having an actual conversation about all of this is right there and available to you!
There’s a whole lot going on here (divergent interests; work/life balance; personal/friend time vs. family time; the mental labor of planning and who usually gets stuck doing it), and it sounds like you and your partner aren’t really talking about any of it. Work might be stressful for him, but I don’t think you should avoid discussing some of these issues when doing so could help make things better. You seem to expect him to know that you’re upset and take steps to correct it, yet you haven’t actually spoken with him about what’s going on—he doesn’t know that you were mad about his energy level at dinner; that you hated Despicable Me (relatable); that you’re sick of planning.
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Do far too many men leave it to their partners to organize and schedule “family time”? Yes. Is that part of what’s going on here? Most likely! At the same time, I sort of get why it continues—you keep planning busy Sundays full of enriching activities because that is what you personally want and enjoy; absent such plans, your partner will spend Sundays kicking back and vegging out, because that is what he prefers. To him, your current situation might even seem like a fine and reasonable compromise, because sometimes you get what you want (sort of?), and sometimes he gets what he wants. Again, you haven’t told him that the current arrangement is a problem for you. And maybe he should “just know,” but … he doesn’t seem to.
If you don’t like the status quo, let him know what’s not working. Try to be specific; e.g.: “I don’t like it when our 3-year-old spends most of Sunday watching movies and eating junk food”; “Will you choose and plan a Sunday family activity once a month so I don’t always have to plan things?”, etc. I don’t think you should always have to tell him exactly what to do to be present and help make family time varied and fun—that’s not fair to you. But it sounds like he might not even be aware that you’re this bothered by the current pattern, so having the conversation really feels like the bare-minimum place to start if you want it to change.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
My sister Kari had her first baby in September. My husband Joe and I are adoptive parents and were chosen to adopt a newborn—with no notice—in August. Kari and her husband wouldn’t talk to my husband and me for months, claiming that we adopted our child to purposefully steal their baby’s attention. (Merely three hours separated the time we learned of our baby’s existence and the moment we welcomed him into our home.) One of our parents told Kari that she shouldn’t hold this against Joe and me, and that she was being unreasonable. She didn’t care. Her husband sided with her and got upset with the parent who said something.
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